I’ve told my story to many and how growing up without a dad almost destroyed my inner being. While others hugged their father and became a daddy’s girl I became my grandfathers daughter because that’s who raised me. I remember asking my grandad could I call him dad and he replied yes. I thought I would eventually get over the way I felt toward my dad but as I have become older the feeling of being abandoned still eats away at me daily.
I have come to the realization that I was a fatherless child, even though his DNA helped to create me the man he was didn’t help raise me. It’s sad and unfortunate because I think I’m pretty amazing. I can recall asking him for $20.00 dollars and his reply of I don’t have it when he wore a neck full of chains and both hands weighted down with rings made me cringe.
No longer alive I can only go visit a grave without a headstone because as he abandoned me when I was a child he had been abandoned in death by the ones he loved so dearly. At his grave an orange flag marks where his head and feet lay. I could say this is karma, but the sad thing is I still love the man who didn’t love me back and even though he never gave to me I’m in the process of giving him a headstone.
You gave me your last name when my father wouldn’t.
You encouraged me to write when I told you I couldn’t.
You purchased materials that you said I would need.
You saw a talent in me that I couldn’t see.
You taught me to believe in my dreams.
And I am forever grateful that you believed in me
Dedicating all my books in your honor for without you I would be no author.
Waking up some mornings I feel as though it’s just me against the world. Everything that is supposed to go right goes wrong. That vicious cycle of life deals you a hard blow and no one, I mean no one comes to your rescue, instead of giving you a band-aid for your wound they pour salt on it. It took me awhile to realize that everyone that smiles in your face doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
It’s always the ones that you have known the longest that develops that deadly disease of jealousy and becomes your biggest hater instead of your biggest fan. If it’s me against the world so be it. I will stand alone, but when I become famous please no crowding.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship and didn’t care that you fixed my tire, it was your job and no I wasn’t tipping you.
As I walked away I looked back at you thinking I hope I never see you again.
Two months later another nail.
Denying your offers, not interested.
You’re cute, but not all that, you walk on your tip-toes for goodness sake.
I gave in and went on a date with you and one year later we were married.
I wasn’t looking for love, but I fell in love with you and I thank God everyday for that nail that sealed the deal.
I’m not mad at you for the hardships I have endured throughout the years I’m actually thankful for the lessons. Everything that was meant to tear me down actually built me up. I’m not bitter anymore; for those that used and abused me you have been forgiven, holding on to hate only imprisoned me so I have taken those shackles off. It took me awhile to find my self worth but I did it. Every obstacle you threw in my direction I overcame. If only that young girl in the pic knew how much love and support she had surrounding her she wouldn’t have been so worried about her future.
I remember being asked in high school “Sabrina what do you want to be when you grow up?” My response was given and the teacher laughed. As I looked around the classroom all of my peers giggled as well, I wanted to run out of the classroom but I sat in my seat and looked at my teacher as he moved on to the next student who answered DOCTOR.
“You can be anything you set your mind to Jonathan,” he said. Why couldn’t I get that response?? I graduated high school and went on to get my AA in Journalism but my dream fell short, never confident in myself to move forward so I quit midway.
As years passed I continued to write poems and short stories never thinking my work was good enough because my self esteem was deflated by my English teacher who thought my dreams as an author was unreachable.
Last year I decided to aim high and put my work out there, never in my wildest dream did I expect the feedback I would receive, everyone loved it! Overcome with happiness I put out several more books and the same response… who’s laughing now Mr. English Teacher I did it, I became an AUTHOR!!
So he pops the question and you say YESSSSSSSSS without hesitation. You can’t wait to tell your parents so they can share the excitement with you, but to your surprise they are not happy. After months of pretending to like your boyfriend they really despise him and think he’s a no good loser. You are hurt, and your heart is torn into pieces. Elope, yes that’s the plan!!!!!!! Who are they to stand in the way of true love???????? Parents just don’t understand. You lock yourself up in your room pouting thinking life is cruel and then you hear a knock on the door it’s your parents. They still don’t like him but if he makes you happy they will put their feelings aside. After a year of planning the day is finally here, you have the perfect venue, the most beautiful dress and you’re surrounded by your family and friends. You say I do; you’re happy, you have taken his last name and become his wife. Life is perfect…. a year later you have twins, he has the perfect job, you’re a stay at home mom. Then it happens, you catch him with another woman, he says it’s a friend…. you ponder his answer but he looks at her the way he use to look at you. Your parents were right, two babies later you are packing up your belongings headed back to a place you swore you would never come back to, if you had only listened to them.