Illegitimate

I’m no bastard child even if my daddy walked out of my life before I was born, I’m no bastard child. I hold no resentment in my heart towards a man that spoke like a teacher but dressed like a pimp. Supposedly a big baller but couldn’t send 20’s, 10’s, or 5’s to a woman that was raising a child he helped create. What type of man was this? He didn’t acknowledge me as a child but as an adult he reached out to me. Keep your phone number “DADDY” the hard work was over; no more pampers, bottles, potty training your little girl has daughters of her own. Not fit to be a dad, especially not grand-dad material. The most stylish man I knew was now dead and resting with his sin of abandonment. He never took care of me and didn’t acknowledge me as he had secrets of his own. A degenerate, his greatest creation doesn’t even carry his last name and received no invitation to his funeral but looks just like him. What inheritance could he have had when he never worked a full-time job unless a drug dealer counts as one.

Fatherless children have become a fad, it takes two but the responsibility rest with one. I have matured and let a lot of my resentment go but I truly wish I could have had a relationship with the man who I look so much alike. I am no bastard child, I am no bastard child, I am no bastard child. No white picket fence, no father daughter dance, no scaring my first date, no first of nothing just the scraps left for a dog. I wish you were here so I can tell you these things face to face but instead I carry them in my heart. . A man who once lived his life to the fullest is now buried in a cold grave with no headstone to mark where he lay. It’s ironic that the ones you showered with love in life , showered you with hate in death. I forgive you daddy for all the wrongs you tried to make right.

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Purpose Filled Life

You have been through so much in your life and some are wondering why you’re smiling and not crying. This life that you were given has not been easy and on your hardest days you wish that you could snap your fingers and make it all go away. Sometimes you wish you were never born and often times you wish that you were dead. Life has gotten the best of you and your soul is empty, you’re at a place in your life that you have no more to give. You have contemplated suicide but fear won’t let you do it.

The enemy has done everything in his power to destroy you. He has made you feel useless, and worthless. You have turned your back on your friends and family secluding yourself letting him whisper in your ear that you’re nothing and no one will miss you when you’re gone.

“STOP” thinking this way immediately….God has a plan for you, he didn’t create you to be unwanted but wanted, he didn’t create you to be fearful but fearless. You are somebody, I repeat you are somebody and you have a “PURPOSE FILLED LIFE” awaiting you.

The Wooden House

Today I pictured myself as a little girl walking by the wooden house. I wanted to revisit my past and see the beauty of it one more time. As I glanced in the doorway I could see Mrs. Bell sitting in her favorite chair as the smell of fried chicken seeped through the window tickling my nose; her smile and laughter made me pause and reflect. As her gray hairs glistened her smile was radiant she looked so happy. As I grabbed her hand death forbid me to bring her along.

As I blinked my eyes I was no longer in the past but the present. The sunlight had awoken me out of a deep trance, but as I looked beside me there stood the wooden house. The house was no longer full of life, but abandoned, the door was no longer there and the house was mangled. I could no longer hear the laughter or smell the fried chicken but I felt a breeze of loneliness and it longed to live on.

Faith over Fear

It was my wedding anniversary and I had heard from all of my children except one. It was not like my daughter to not call and I could feel an uneasy feeling in my gut. Just as those thoughts vanished I got a text that read “ma I love you.” A red flag went off so I called and the voice on the other end was terrifying. “Ma I am sick, but please don’t come get me until after my semester exams.” After a brief conversation I sat there still uneasy so I called back, but this time through FaceTime. What I saw would startle any parent, my daughter eyes were sunken in with dark circles, she had bags of vomit in her bed and she couldn’t move. At that moment I raced into action calling my friend to take that ride that seemed forever. At the time my daughter was attending school in Miami which was a two hour drive but seemed like the longest ride of my life. When I got there we rushed up to her room I didn’t know what to expect, all kind of thoughts raced through my head….we knocked and knocked then eventually the door cracked open, standing their being propped up by an umbrella was my baby girl.

I thought it was a virus, she had Nyquil on her bed and was telling me symptoms that sounded like the flu. As a mother I went into nurse mode, I would make her soup, give her meds she would be back to her old self in no time. She was finally resting and then morning came, when my daughter entered the room she was drenched in sweat, the look in her eyes told me she was scared I immediately called 911 which was the beginning of our faith over fear. Our local hospital thought it was her appendix, then they said it could be her gallbladder but after an X-ray it was determined to be a kidney stone so huge she would have to be transferred to another hospital. It wouldn’t pass it was lodged. The doctors decided they would do a procedure to drain urine from her kidneys and put in a nephrostomy tube and at that moment my daughter got sepsis, a life threatening complication from an infection. This infection had spread through my daughters body and she was immediately put in ICU after the nurse had called a code twice. Once the code was called fifteen medical professionals rushed in…. they plugged my daughter to all types of machines and gave me the look of despair.

I was angry and hurt that my daughter was going through this, she was only 19 years old!! I prayed and cried….cried and prayed. I sought the Lord and asked him to give me faith over fear. All the doctors said she wouldn’t make it and if she did she would not be the same healthy girl she was before. While in ICU she developed pneumonia, her organs began to shut down they had given up on her, and put her on a breathing machine…miraculously she released on April 29, 2017. We thought the nightmare was over but she still had to get surgery to remove the stone but when they went in to take it out she developed sepsis again.

This was not happening; had God forgotten about us and then I asked God to please increase my faith over the fear of losing my child and he did. He reminded me that he gave me this child and before she became mine she was his, he reminded me that all sickness is not unto death, he reminded me that my help comes from him not only when things are going good but during the bad as well. After being in three hospitals during a 5 month span my daughter was able to walk out of those hospitals. This little girl had to regain strength to walk again, she had a tube in her back and had to walk around with a nephrology bag, she had to get her lungs drained, she had pneumonia, countless fevers…. It has been a year since this ordeal and she is now closer to home attending another university. She is healthy, happy, and healed!! I am so thankful to God for showing me that even during the midst of trials he never left us.

My daughters tattoo ….

9 years

I remember praying for a husband, I was very specific in my prayer request of what type of husband I wanted God to send me. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. I was a single mother with two girls and had given up on settling down. I remember praying asking how long… his response love me more, seek me more, and he would give me the desires of my heart.

Staying in a small town I thought this was impossible. Then it happened, in 2008 I met my husband because of a nail in my tire. I tell the story often because I had made up my mind that I would never meet someone. I felt like Sarah when the angel of the Lord told her she would have a child in her old age and she laughed.

I was very impatient, I wanted God to answer my prayers right then but his timing was not mine. Lord knows I wasn’t ready. I could cook and take care of my home but I wasn’t mentally or spiritually ready to settle down.

When I first laid eyes on my husband I didn’t know he would be the one, but he said it on day one that I would be his wife. I laughed at him, I could recall saying “you don’t even know me!”

Fast forward to tomorrow and we will be celebrating our 9th Wedding Anniversary!! I had to share my story to let someone who is seeking a husband or wife to keep trusting God and wait until he sends you the right one. Continue to seek the Lord as he prepares you for your spouse.

Turn the other Cheek

How many of you have turned the other cheek when someone has wronged you? For some that can be a hard pill to swallow (metaphorically) but I have learned to refrain from retaliating against those who have insulted or attacked me.

Some are reading this and shaking their head, mumbling that they are not going to turn the other cheek but set it off. Please tell me what will setting it off do? You can’t control another’s actions but you can control your own.

Some people live to make others miserable, they pick and pick wanting you to lash out at them but you must be the better person.

“When they go low, we go high.”

– Michelle Obama

Turning the other cheek is not meaning to fight in the natural sense but spiritually it means to show love to those who continue to do you wrong.

Matthew 5:39 King James Version (KJV)

39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Two Wrongs

I am a strong woman, built Ford tough. I have been in some relationships that made me look back and wonder how I got through but as Celia said….

It seems since Eve’s mishap women have been portrayed as the weakest link. I could argue the fact that everyone has made a mistake but that still wouldn’t justify her actions and why we as woman have so much pain in childbirth because of her wrongdoing.

Genesis 3:16

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Although she did wrong I am also reminded that man followed suit by eating from the “Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil” as well.

Genesis 3:6

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

No one did right in this situation so to me they both failed at their quest to please the Lord. Learn from this; if you fall down don’t stay there get back up.

Eve and Adam were both wrong but the woman shouldn’t have to carry the dot on her forehead while the man walks around dot free. God was gracious and merciful to forgive them both, even though he made them leave the garden he spared their lives.

Women it’s time to value your husbands, men it’s time to value your wives. It’s time to walk in love and don’t let mistakes cause you to give up on the marriage that God ordained in your life. The enemy is trying to find a way to get in between you and your spouse, cast him out of your home by fasting and prayer.

Testimonial Tuesday

Took my son to the doctor this morning, the doctors report wasn’t the best but I was still thanking God that we were heading home and not to a hospital. When I got closer to home I had an urgency to feel my pockets and to my surprise my license was gone, LOST!

I panicked and pulled over to call the doctors office and was told that no one had found it. I attempted to call the place where we had stopped for breakfast but the phone line was busy so I decided to call the drivers license office and see how much a duplicate would be and headed that way.

Got there and was happy to be number 25 as they were on 22 so my wait wouldn’t be long, as I sat there an urgency came upon me to call the breakfast location again and this time the phone began to ring. Someone had found my license in the parking lot and turned it in, I was so happy!!

I didn’t hesitate to drive the hour and a half distance again to reclaim something that I had lost but was now found.

As I turned into my yard I could only think of the Parable of the Lost Coin. The way I rejoiced over my license is how God and his angels rejoices over one person giving their life to Christ.

Luke 15:8-10

8 Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it?

9 And when she hath found it, she calleth her friends and her neighbours together, saying, Rejoice with me; for I have found the piece which I had lost.

10 Likewise, I say unto you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repenteth.

Values

Growing up my grandfather taught me the value of a dollar, in order to get my allowance on Saturday’s I had to complete the chores he had given me during the week. I would sometimes complain while working, but all the whining went out the window when he placed those five bucks in my hand. I didn’t realize it then, but my grandfather was teaching me a great value. He would always tell me ” nothing in this life is going to be handed to you, you will have to work for it.” As I grew older his words of wisdom never left me. When we go on a job we get paid based on the job that we do and no work equals no pay. Sometimes we even get incentives by having degrees or specialized training. Having money is awesome, but we must value it is as well. I can recall my grandfather having this record book and different people in the community would come to him and he would loan them money. Every dollar he loaned out he would write their name and amount and when he received repayment he would draw a line through their name and put paid in full. I can recall this so vividly and when I asked why he replied ” some people don’t value money, they spend all they have on frivolous things and when they really need something they are broke.” I recently read the scripture

Deuteronomy 28:12-13

12 The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand. You shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow. 13 And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them.

I have learned to be careful for nothing, I pray that the Lord makes me a lender and not a borrower. I don’t want to be careless with my spending I want to use the money that the Lord blesses me with wisely. Over the years I have learned you don’t have to spend everything you have at that moment, put some away for a rainy day and be thankful for the job that God blessed you with. That job has enabled you to be able to provide for you and your family needs. My grandfather was my everything and though he no longer walks this earth he left me with knowledge and wisdom that I am now able to pass on to my children. “Don’t spend it all in one place,” he would say.

Heartbroken

The joy a mother feels when she finds out she’s expecting is priceless, but the heartbreak of a miscarriage is devastating.

The loss of a child leaves an emptiness in a mother’s heart.

I still remember it as if it was yesterday when I miscarried.

I was mad

I was hurt

I was saddened

I kept telling myself that God needed you back, as quickly as he had placed you in my womb.

It’s been so hard for me to share this

I truly miss you

I will forever love you

I am reminded when I look at your two sisters and brother that you should be here.

I know you’re watching over them

Again you should be here

Until we meet again

Sleep in Peace