Waking up some mornings I feel as though it’s just me against the world. Everything that is supposed to go right goes wrong. That vicious cycle of life deals you a hard blow and no one, I mean no one comes to your rescue, instead of giving you a band-aid for your wound they pour salt on it. It took me awhile to realize that everyone that smiles in your face doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
It’s always the ones that you have known the longest that develops that deadly disease of jealousy and becomes your biggest hater instead of your biggest fan. If it’s me against the world so be it. I will stand alone, but when I become famous please no crowding.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship and didn’t care that you fixed my tire, it was your job and no I wasn’t tipping you.
As I walked away I looked back at you thinking I hope I never see you again.
Two months later another nail.
Denying your offers, not interested.
You’re cute, but not all that, you walk on your tip-toes for goodness sake.
I gave in and went on a date with you and one year later we were married.
I wasn’t looking for love, but I fell in love with you and I thank God everyday for that nail that sealed the deal.
So he pops the question and you say YESSSSSSSSS without hesitation. You can’t wait to tell your parents so they can share the excitement with you, but to your surprise they are not happy. After months of pretending to like your boyfriend they really despise him and think he’s a no good loser. You are hurt, and your heart is torn into pieces. Elope, yes that’s the plan!!!!!!! Who are they to stand in the way of true love???????? Parents just don’t understand. You lock yourself up in your room pouting thinking life is cruel and then you hear a knock on the door it’s your parents. They still don’t like him but if he makes you happy they will put their feelings aside. After a year of planning the day is finally here, you have the perfect venue, the most beautiful dress and you’re surrounded by your family and friends. You say I do; you’re happy, you have taken his last name and become his wife. Life is perfect…. a year later you have twins, he has the perfect job, you’re a stay at home mom. Then it happens, you catch him with another woman, he says it’s a friend…. you ponder his answer but he looks at her the way he use to look at you. Your parents were right, two babies later you are packing up your belongings headed back to a place you swore you would never come back to, if you had only listened to them.
Shortest blog ever!
Sneak peek of my latest book!!
🎼 Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night – Brandy
As a young woman growing up in the 90’s you would take songs that were relatable to the situations in your life and make them your anthem. I remember singing this song until I would fall asleep at night thinking I couldn’t go on without that special someone. I would blast my walkman with my headphones glued to my ears singing so loudly wishing he could hear me, wishing he could hear the hurt in my voice.
I truly thought I was hurt by him not loving me, I truly thought I couldn’t go on, but as I grew older I realized the hurt that I felt didn’t come from him not loving me, but from me not loving myself. The love we shared was superficial; puppy love, crush love.
One night my anthem was blasting and then I uttered “have you ever needed something so bad” and then tears began to flow; I had sung that particular verse several times relating it to that lost love that was once in my life, but this time I related it to my father who had abandoned me at birth, I needed and wanted a relationship with him so badly.
At that particular moment in time an overwhelming feeling came upon me and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, all of those years without him, trying to fill a void of not having him in my life with a boy that was only capable of loving the first woman he had ever known, his mother. I was actually using him, he was using me, we were using each other. We both needed something from one another; affection which consisted of short kisses on the lip that made you get butterflies in your stomach, conversations that would last on the phone until our momma made us hang up. It didn’t make it right, but it was right in our eyes.
Now that I know what love truly is I am thankful to have it in my life, it’s not superficial but real. Wondering did my dad ever love me, wondering did he ever have real love for my mom, just wondering. Through all my heartaches I have learned that in order to love anyone, you must first fall in love with yourself and be true to the feelings in your heart; hopefully, just hopefully my dad loved himself enough to love me.
As I step out of the shadow of my ancestors who were taunted for their hair texture, I smile at the hatred of those that mock a generation of African Queens. Constantly called names that put down their beauty, did they not see the crown on their heads. Let me introduce myself I’m Afro-Nique, given the birth name of Sabrina to kill the stereotype of those who were named Shaquanda and Lawanda, you will be surprised how far a “GOOD” name will get you. I wear the scars of those that paved the way for my nose, my lips, my hips, for they are attached to my heritage, deeply woven by nooses that are now loosened, to chains that have been broken, to set me free. You think you know me but the pain is skin deep. I hold no grudges I rise above all that was meant to keep me down. I’m Afro-nique, not born to banded, branded, or disenchanted, but born to be ME!!
The most important part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.” Some of us do this all the time because we don’t want to step on anyone’s toes; you work hard to get a new job, and make more money but you turn it down because someone is in their feelings over a blessing that God gave you. Stop letting people determine your happiness, stop letting people back you into a corner, stop letting people make you feel that you’re not good enough. The most part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.”
When I hear the term “Jump In” I think of water, and then the stereotype pops in my head that black people cant swim, how cliche. Truth be told I can’t swim but it’s not because I’m black it’s because I never allowed myself to learn how to swim, which brings my topic into play. I could have gotten swimming lessons but I was too proud and let pride get in the way; what forty year old have you seen in the kiddies pool? The brain is a powerful weapon if not careful you will destroy your own hopes and dreams. My pride allowed me to overthink the situation before I even had the chance to experience it, it’s time to rid yourself of negativity. Some of you are contemplating something that could be life changing but you’re afraid of jumping in, afraid of failure. I’m here to tell you that your biggest opprunity is on the other side of fear!! Don’t let age, health, or finances stop you from doing something that you have always had in your heart to do, you are doing a disservice to yourself if you allow your thoughts to doubt your new beginning before you even start. You can do it, it can be done. If I want to swim I am going to do it, if I want to go back to college I am going to do it, if I want to pursue another career I am going to do it. Jump in knowing that you control your destiny and there is always room for growth
They say you’re damamged goods, no good to no one else. They say you’re worthless, no value at all. They say you’re tarnished, your luster is gone.
They’ve torn you down and made you feel life is not worth living. You decide to take your life, suicide is an easy way out, no one will miss you, you say. Who wants to be worthless, who wants to be tarnished, who wants to be damaged goods. You’re better off dead, you say.
Worthless but still living, tarnished but still living, damaged but still living.
Don’t do it, don’t take your life, you were born to live! We all face trials, we all face obstacles, we are all valuable, we can be restored.
I’m a sinner saved by grace, just in the nick of time before I would have bust hell wide open. I was not living right at all, and should have been dead along time ago. The older folks would constantly say “Y’all gon’ bust hell wide open,” like they were living clean lives, they were the main ones steering children wrong, clubbing on Saturday and churching on Sunday like they were lined up with God Almighty himself. I know I was doing wrong and didn’t need a person who was worse off than me preaching scripture they never followed themselves. I don’t know what made me so special that God spared me but I can say his grace and mercy gave me chance after chance to get it right. It bothers me to see so called Christians that look down on everyone like they don’t have a past, let them tell it they have never committed a sin so therefore they are going straight to heaven when they die. Those are the ones that don’t speak to you outside of the church walls or acknowledge you within the church walls, but are quick to say Amen when the preacher says something to their liking. Get the heck out of here with that foolishness, you hate me but you love Christ, is that it? You don’t have to love man just the creator, is that it? We are all sinners saved by grace! Deitrick Haddon collaborates with Big Boi from Outkast on a song “We’re just sinners saved by grace,” that song dissects how I feel about people that are holier than thou at their convenience, convenient on Sunday, Bible Study, and Prayer Meeting or when they feel the need to tear down someone who don’t attend church as much as they do. We fall down but we get back up and that is what’s most important, getting back up and not staying down. Stop with the theatrics only Jesus is perfect; you weren’t hung on the cross for our sins, he was!! This is why some people won’t attend the church because they feel worse after attending, sometimes you get more love in the streets from Sinners than Christians. Until they understand that we were all born in sin then maybe the picture will be clearer. I am thankful for God’s grace and mercy and how he forgives and doesn’t bring it up in your face every time you do wrong. I have overcome a lot of the critics because my life is in God’s hand and not in man’s, hypocrites are ruthless they will dispose of you and throw you away to the wolves to be devoured, but God is just and forgiving. The great thing about God is that once you repent he throws our sins away in the sea of forgetfulness.
To listen to the song click on the link below.