Waking up some mornings I feel as though it’s just me against the world. Everything that is supposed to go right goes wrong. That vicious cycle of life deals you a hard blow and no one, I mean no one comes to your rescue, instead of giving you a band-aid for your wound they pour salt on it. It took me awhile to realize that everyone that smiles in your face doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
It’s always the ones that you have known the longest that develops that deadly disease of jealousy and becomes your biggest hater instead of your biggest fan. If it’s me against the world so be it. I will stand alone, but when I become famous please no crowding.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship and didn’t care that you fixed my tire, it was your job and no I wasn’t tipping you.
As I walked away I looked back at you thinking I hope I never see you again.
Two months later another nail.
Denying your offers, not interested.
You’re cute, but not all that, you walk on your tip-toes for goodness sake.
I gave in and went on a date with you and one year later we were married.
I wasn’t looking for love, but I fell in love with you and I thank God everyday for that nail that sealed the deal.
So he pops the question and you say YESSSSSSSSS without hesitation. You can’t wait to tell your parents so they can share the excitement with you, but to your surprise they are not happy. After months of pretending to like your boyfriend they really despise him and think he’s a no good loser. You are hurt, and your heart is torn into pieces. Elope, yes that’s the plan!!!!!!! Who are they to stand in the way of true love???????? Parents just don’t understand. You lock yourself up in your room pouting thinking life is cruel and then you hear a knock on the door it’s your parents. They still don’t like him but if he makes you happy they will put their feelings aside. After a year of planning the day is finally here, you have the perfect venue, the most beautiful dress and you’re surrounded by your family and friends. You say I do; you’re happy, you have taken his last name and become his wife. Life is perfect…. a year later you have twins, he has the perfect job, you’re a stay at home mom. Then it happens, you catch him with another woman, he says it’s a friend…. you ponder his answer but he looks at her the way he use to look at you. Your parents were right, two babies later you are packing up your belongings headed back to a place you swore you would never come back to, if you had only listened to them.
Shortest blog ever!
Sneak peek of my latest book!!
🎼 Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night – Brandy
As a young woman growing up in the 90’s you would take songs that were relatable to the situations in your life and make them your anthem. I remember singing this song until I would fall asleep at night thinking I couldn’t go on without that special someone. I would blast my walkman with my headphones glued to my ears singing so loudly wishing he could hear me, wishing he could hear the hurt in my voice.
I truly thought I was hurt by him not loving me, I truly thought I couldn’t go on, but as I grew older I realized the hurt that I felt didn’t come from him not loving me, but from me not loving myself. The love we shared was superficial; puppy love, crush love.
One night my anthem was blasting and then I uttered “have you ever needed something so bad” and then tears began to flow; I had sung that particular verse several times relating it to that lost love that was once in my life, but this time I related it to my father who had abandoned me at birth, I needed and wanted a relationship with him so badly.
At that particular moment in time an overwhelming feeling came upon me and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, all of those years without him, trying to fill a void of not having him in my life with a boy that was only capable of loving the first woman he had ever known, his mother. I was actually using him, he was using me, we were using each other. We both needed something from one another; affection which consisted of short kisses on the lip that made you get butterflies in your stomach, conversations that would last on the phone until our momma made us hang up. It didn’t make it right, but it was right in our eyes.
Now that I know what love truly is I am thankful to have it in my life, it’s not superficial but real. Wondering did my dad ever love me, wondering did he ever have real love for my mom, just wondering. Through all my heartaches I have learned that in order to love anyone, you must first fall in love with yourself and be true to the feelings in your heart; hopefully, just hopefully my dad loved himself enough to love me.
As I step out of the shadow of my ancestors who were taunted for their hair texture, I smile at the hatred of those that mock a generation of African Queens. Constantly called names that put down their beauty, did they not see the crown on their heads. Let me introduce myself I’m Afro-Nique, given the birth name of Sabrina to kill the stereotype of those who were named Shaquanda and Lawanda, you will be surprised how far a “GOOD” name will get you. I wear the scars of those that paved the way for my nose, my lips, my hips, for they are attached to my heritage, deeply woven by nooses that are now loosened, to chains that have been broken, to set me free. You think you know me but the pain is skin deep. I hold no grudges I rise above all that was meant to keep me down. I’m Afro-nique, not born to banded, branded, or disenchanted, but born to be ME!!
The most important part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.” Some of us do this all the time because we don’t want to step on anyone’s toes; you work hard to get a new job, and make more money but you turn it down because someone is in their feelings over a blessing that God gave you. Stop letting people determine your happiness, stop letting people back you into a corner, stop letting people make you feel that you’re not good enough. The most part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.”