Lately I have been beating myself up, thinking that my books are not good enough, feeling defeated without even putting up a fight. I have let people pull me out of my character by posting subliminal posts and messages on Facebook ranting about their willingness to be unsupportive. Today I was on Google and I came across a quote by Tyler Perry and then it hit me; I shouldn’t be worried about whose not supporting me as long as I’m doing what I love, as long as I continue to perfect my craft and keep the faith God will do the rest. I have made up in my mind that I will hold on and not give up, because the best is yet to come!!
I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with my dream job, I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a husband , I use to pray every night asking God to watch over my girls, I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a son; every night I prayed this “asking” prayer. Fast forward to 2017 and I find myself not praying like I use to , what happened to my prayerful spirit? I will tell you what happened I got the blessings and forgot the blessor. Everything I asked God for he gave it to me, but everything I said I would do in return for those blessings I didn’t do. I failed on my end, but God still did everything I asked him for and more. I was selfish and undeserving but God’s grace and mercy was sufficient. Lessons were learned and I’m now back praying and thanking God that his love towards me never wavered and that he gave me another chance to get it right.
🎼 Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night – Brandy
As a young woman growing up in the 90’s you would take songs that were relatable to the situations in your life and make them your anthem. I remember singing this song until I would fall asleep at night thinking I couldn’t go on without that special someone. I would blast my walkman with my headphones glued to my ears singing so loudly wishing he could hear me, wishing he could hear the hurt in my voice.
I truly thought I was hurt by him not loving me, I truly thought I couldn’t go on, but as I grew older I realized the hurt that I felt didn’t come from him not loving me, but from me not loving myself. The love we shared was superficial; puppy love, crush love.
One night my anthem was blasting and then I uttered “have you ever needed something so bad” and then tears began to flow; I had sung that particular verse several times relating it to that lost love that was once in my life, but this time I related it to my father who had abandoned me at birth, I needed and wanted a relationship with him so badly.
At that particular moment in time an overwhelming feeling came upon me and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, all of those years without him, trying to fill a void of not having him in my life with a boy that was only capable of loving the first woman he had ever known, his mother. I was actually using him, he was using me, we were using each other. We both needed something from one another; affection which consisted of short kisses on the lip that made you get butterflies in your stomach, conversations that would last on the phone until our momma made us hang up. It didn’t make it right, but it was right in our eyes.
Now that I know what love truly is I am thankful to have it in my life, it’s not superficial but real. Wondering did my dad ever love me, wondering did he ever have real love for my mom, just wondering. Through all my heartaches I have learned that in order to love anyone, you must first fall in love with yourself and be true to the feelings in your heart; hopefully, just hopefully my dad loved himself enough to love me.
As I step out of the shadow of my ancestors who were taunted for their hair texture, I smile at the hatred of those that mock a generation of African Queens. Constantly called names that put down their beauty, did they not see the crown on their heads. Let me introduce myself I’m Afro-Nique, given the birth name of Sabrina to kill the stereotype of those who were named Shaquanda and Lawanda, you will be surprised how far a “GOOD” name will get you. I wear the scars of those that paved the way for my nose, my lips, my hips, for they are attached to my heritage, deeply woven by nooses that are now loosened, to chains that have been broken, to set me free. You think you know me but the pain is skin deep. I hold no grudges I rise above all that was meant to keep me down. I’m Afro-nique, not born to banded, branded, or disenchanted, but born to be ME!!
The most important part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.” Some of us do this all the time because we don’t want to step on anyone’s toes; you work hard to get a new job, and make more money but you turn it down because someone is in their feelings over a blessing that God gave you. Stop letting people determine your happiness, stop letting people back you into a corner, stop letting people make you feel that you’re not good enough. The most part of this blog is in the quotation marks, “Stop Selling Yourself Short.”
For those who own a bike you know the only way you can get your bike to stand is by using a “kickstand” the purpose of the stand is to hold the bike upright to prevent it from falling. I will use that term metaphorically in my short blog because it makes the most sense when I discuss standing relationships. If you’ve never had problems in your relationship this blog is not for you, but if you have read on. Some of you are in desperate need of a “kickstand” relationship; someone to hold you up and be there when the chips are down, someone to share the finances when you’re struggling to stay afloat, someone to lean on, so you don’t fall. Everyone needs a “kickstand” a good sturdy one that will hold the weight of their relationship and keep it from falling to pieces.
They say you’re damamged goods, no good to no one else. They say you’re worthless, no value at all. They say you’re tarnished, your luster is gone.
They’ve torn you down and made you feel life is not worth living. You decide to take your life, suicide is an easy way out, no one will miss you, you say. Who wants to be worthless, who wants to be tarnished, who wants to be damaged goods. You’re better off dead, you say.
Worthless but still living, tarnished but still living, damaged but still living.
Don’t do it, don’t take your life, you were born to live! We all face trials, we all face obstacles, we are all valuable, we can be restored.