Letter to my Past

Dear Past,

I’m not mad at you for the hardships I have endured throughout the years I’m actually thankful for the lessons. Everything that was meant to tear me down actually built me up. I’m not bitter anymore; for those that used and abused me you have been forgiven, holding on to hate only imprisoned me so I have taken those shackles off. It took me awhile to find my self worth but I did it. Every obstacle you threw in my direction I overcame. If only that young girl in the pic knew how much love and support she had surrounding her she wouldn’t have been so worried about her future.

Sincerely,

Sabrina

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Big Bad Wolf

They want to voice their opinion but don’t want anyone to know who they are. Mysterious yet intriguing, one who hides their identity from social media websites but always have so much to say. Commenting on everything that is public, sometimes being very rude, but when you go to their profile to see the face behind the comment you find a flower or a quote where their picture should be.  I get it, the world we live in makes one want to hide their identity, but this shouldn’t be an option for cowards who sit behind a computer screen and type words that they wouldn’t normally say to anyone’s face. I’ve labeled these people the “big bad wolf” huffing and puffing blowing nothing down.  They see you and run the other way, you don’t know who they are but they know you. Once you block them they catfish, meaning they assume another identity with a different flower and quote because your posts are obviously worth following. 

Comfort Zone

This has been the most disappointing day of my life but I stand strong because I put my trust in God not in man. You see when God takes you out of your comfort zone it’s to help you grow not to see you fail. Faith is not needed when things are going perfect, but when things around you are crumbling. No matter how much I dislike it, I have to grow to love it because some obstacles you just can’t go around you have to go through. 

One door closes, then another one and another one! My head is spinning tears are streaming down my face trying to figure out, how can so much chaos happen in a day or what did I do to deserve it. The enemy snickers thinking this is my fate but my heart smiles because trouble don’t last always. What is meant for my bad will ultimately be for my good. 

I say you couldn’t possibly walk a day in my shoes and you would reply you couldn’t possibly walk a day in mine, both statements are true because we all have battles to fight and they are ours solely to win.  At the end of the day I gotta keep pushing through and so do you right out of our comfort zone!!

#authordesignedbygod

Lately I have been beating myself up,  thinking that my books are not good enough, feeling defeated without even putting up a fight. I have let people pull me out of my character by posting subliminal posts and messages on Facebook ranting about their willingness to be unsupportive. Today I was on Google and I came across a quote by Tyler Perry and then it hit me; I shouldn’t be worried about whose not supporting me as long as I’m doing what I love, as long as I continue to perfect my craft and keep the faith God will do the rest. I have made up in my mind that I will hold on and not give up, because the best is yet to come!!

#authordesignedbygod

Prayer

I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with my dream job, I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a husband , I use to pray every night asking God to watch over my girls,  I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a son; every night I prayed this “asking” prayer. Fast forward to 2017 and I find myself not praying like I use to , what happened to my prayerful spirit? I will tell you what happened I got the blessings and forgot the blessor. Everything I asked God for he gave it to me, but everything I said I would do in return for those blessings I didn’t do. I failed on my end, but God still did everything I asked him for and more. I was selfish and undeserving but God’s grace and mercy was sufficient. Lessons were learned and I’m now back praying and thanking God that  his love towards me never wavered and that he gave me another chance to get it right. 

Have you Ever

🎼 Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night – Brandy  

As a young woman growing up in the 90’s you would take songs that were relatable to the situations in your life and make them your anthem. I remember singing this song until I would fall asleep at night thinking I couldn’t go on without that special someone. I would blast my walkman with my headphones glued to my ears singing so loudly wishing he could hear me, wishing he could hear the hurt in my voice. 

I truly thought I was hurt by him not loving me, I truly thought I couldn’t go on, but as I grew older I realized the hurt that I felt didn’t come from him not loving me, but from me not loving myself. The love we shared was superficial; puppy love, crush love. 

One night my anthem was blasting and then I uttered “have you ever needed something so bad” and then tears began to flow; I had sung that particular verse several times relating it to that lost love that was once in my life, but this time I related it to my father who had abandoned me at birth, I  needed and wanted a relationship with him so badly. 

At that particular moment in time an overwhelming feeling came upon me and then it hit me like a ton of bricks,  all of those years without him, trying to fill a void of not having him  in my life with a boy that was only capable of loving the first woman he had ever known, his mother. I was actually using him, he was  using me, we were using each other. We both needed something from one another; affection which consisted of short kisses on the lip  that made you get butterflies in your stomach, conversations that would last on the phone until our momma made us hang up. It didn’t make it right,  but it was right in our eyes. 

Now that I know what love truly is I am thankful to have it in my life, it’s not superficial but real. Wondering did my dad ever love me, wondering did he ever have real love for my mom, just wondering. Through all my heartaches I have learned that in order to love anyone, you must first fall in love with yourself and be true to the feelings in your heart; hopefully, just hopefully my dad loved himself enough to love me. 

Afro-nique

As I step out of the shadow of my ancestors who were taunted for their hair texture, I smile at the hatred of those that mock a generation of African Queens.  Constantly called names that put down their beauty, did they not see the crown on their heads. Let me introduce myself I’m Afro-Nique, given the birth name of Sabrina to kill the stereotype of those who were named Shaquanda and Lawanda, you will be surprised how far a “GOOD” name will get you. I wear the scars of those that paved the way for my nose, my lips, my hips, for they are attached to my heritage, deeply woven by nooses that are now loosened, to chains that have been broken, to set me free. You think you know me but the pain is skin deep. I hold no grudges I rise above all that was meant to keep me down. I’m Afro-nique, not born to banded, branded, or disenchanted, but born to be ME!!

https://youtu.be/QLLSwiMV93o