Reality TV

Growing up I was always reminded of this one rule “What goes on in this house, stays in this house.” That rule definitely didn’t apply to some because if so reality television wouldn’t be so prevalent. I guess money talks because the stuff they show on television today is not filtered at all, people will expose everything that is meant to stay behind closed doors for the right price. Growing up as a teenager the most exciting thing for me to watch on television was soap operas but they were off limits for young teenage girls. I would hear my mom on the phone discussing Victor and Niki on the Young and Restless with her friend from the next street over, this to me was what a secret was supposed to be. When I got older I couldn’t wait to watch the soaps but as I was watching I thought to myself um… is this what my momma couldn’t wait to watch at 12:30 pm… Things were discreet back then but now no holds are barred and nothing is off limits. 

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Family 

Family, what is family? We are not given the option of picking our mother, father, sister, or brother when we are born this is God’s doing, but you would think if he picks them for us the seed of love should be planted within their heart because God is Love. When we are born in this world we are born with love,  but as we become older the hatred and jealousy seeds are somehow planted. Some who are biblical will say the hatred began when Cain killed Abel, but aren’t we responsible enough to know that love is right and hatred is wrong?  Martin Luther King, Jr. said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”  I don’t understand the resentment in families today, I don’t understand the jealousy in families today, I don’t understand the hatred in families today, I just don’t understand… I’m perplexed 😕. I guess it is easy to hate someone because love is more work. 

                     

#authordesignedbygod

Lately I have been beating myself up,  thinking that my books are not good enough, feeling defeated without even putting up a fight. I have let people pull me out of my character by posting subliminal posts and messages on Facebook ranting about their willingness to be unsupportive. Today I was on Google and I came across a quote by Tyler Perry and then it hit me; I shouldn’t be worried about whose not supporting me as long as I’m doing what I love, as long as I continue to perfect my craft and keep the faith God will do the rest. I have made up in my mind that I will hold on and not give up, because the best is yet to come!!

#authordesignedbygod

Prayer

I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with my dream job, I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a husband , I use to pray every night asking God to watch over my girls,  I use to pray every night asking God to bless me with a son; every night I prayed this “asking” prayer. Fast forward to 2017 and I find myself not praying like I use to , what happened to my prayerful spirit? I will tell you what happened I got the blessings and forgot the blessor. Everything I asked God for he gave it to me, but everything I said I would do in return for those blessings I didn’t do. I failed on my end, but God still did everything I asked him for and more. I was selfish and undeserving but God’s grace and mercy was sufficient. Lessons were learned and I’m now back praying and thanking God that  his love towards me never wavered and that he gave me another chance to get it right. 

Have you Ever

🎼 Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry, have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night – Brandy  

As a young woman growing up in the 90’s you would take songs that were relatable to the situations in your life and make them your anthem. I remember singing this song until I would fall asleep at night thinking I couldn’t go on without that special someone. I would blast my walkman with my headphones glued to my ears singing so loudly wishing he could hear me, wishing he could hear the hurt in my voice. 

I truly thought I was hurt by him not loving me, I truly thought I couldn’t go on, but as I grew older I realized the hurt that I felt didn’t come from him not loving me, but from me not loving myself. The love we shared was superficial; puppy love, crush love. 

One night my anthem was blasting and then I uttered “have you ever needed something so bad” and then tears began to flow; I had sung that particular verse several times relating it to that lost love that was once in my life, but this time I related it to my father who had abandoned me at birth, I  needed and wanted a relationship with him so badly. 

At that particular moment in time an overwhelming feeling came upon me and then it hit me like a ton of bricks,  all of those years without him, trying to fill a void of not having him  in my life with a boy that was only capable of loving the first woman he had ever known, his mother. I was actually using him, he was  using me, we were using each other. We both needed something from one another; affection which consisted of short kisses on the lip  that made you get butterflies in your stomach, conversations that would last on the phone until our momma made us hang up. It didn’t make it right,  but it was right in our eyes. 

Now that I know what love truly is I am thankful to have it in my life, it’s not superficial but real. Wondering did my dad ever love me, wondering did he ever have real love for my mom, just wondering. Through all my heartaches I have learned that in order to love anyone, you must first fall in love with yourself and be true to the feelings in your heart; hopefully, just hopefully my dad loved himself enough to love me. 

A Taste of  Uncertainty 

As I sit here on the edge of my couch I wish this storm on no one, no one deserves this fear of uncertainty, no one knows heartbreak until they tell you to evacuate your home. Why wasn’t this a fun filled weekend, instead of one filled with anxiety? Why did Hurricane Irma have to come this way? I am holding on to my FAITH because that is all I have left!! I hate this time of the year when hurricane season approaches. What a devastating and awful way to lose your life, to be taken by the wind or even the rain. So much emphasis on the “Herbert Hoover Dike” will it withstand the storm??? My heart truly goes out to those affected by Katrina, Sandy, and Harvey!! You never know what people actually go through during a storm unless you, yourself are put in that situation. 


Who am I to compare myself with those that went through those terrible storms?  I haven’t lost materials or loved ones, so who I am to complain? I hate watching the news during these times but I have to keep myself in the loop, some broadcasters make me sick to my stomach, to think the word “catastrophe” is thrown around so loosely, sometimes I think they want something to happen to get that story!! They have no idea how you feel, these type of news reporters are inhuman at times. As I try to calm down  I think to myself the joys of a Florida resident, moving from shelter to shelter. I’m still in shock, this writing is starting to make things settle in this tiny brain of mine. As I double check my Hurricane Irma supply list it reads; flashlight check, batteries check, medicine check, water check,  vienna sausages check, peanut butter crackers check, PRAYERS OF THE RIGHTEOUS check, I literally want to scream!!! The reality is that we are under a hurricane watch, the governor said get out!!


 At the end of the day just know why I stayed behind, my mother wouldn’t leave. Older people are stubborn at times and there is nothing you can do to make them budge even a bulldozer would fail. What kind of daughter would I be if I was to leave my elderly mother behind, not a good daughter. Patiently I await for this storm to leave Florida alone and crawl back into the sea, only then will I shout out “we made it, we survived a storm that the news media labeled Catastrophic by the GRACE OF GOD!!”