Joy in Sorrow

I forced myself to take the two hour drive to the cemetery knowing I would cry the two hour drive back. I couldn’t escape the feeling of wanting to see his face but settling to only see his grave. It’s moments like these I feel as though no one understands me because they don’t know my pain. As I sat there talking to him as though he could hear me a family pulled up. As they got out of their vehicles I noticed that some had on red shirts, some had on white, but each shirt had their loved ones picture on the front. The little children laughed and played a game of who would find the grave first. Some of their balloons popped before they could go into the air but they never let that stop them from keeping their loved one memory alive. I wondered was today his birthday, or could it be the day he passed away. One by one the balloons were released and each person spoke a word of remembrance. As they went in different directions I smiled within and wiped my tears. Living in their moment gave me strength, living in their moment gave me joy. It was at that moment that I realized even though we feel it is unfair that our loved ones are no longer here we must forever cherish the moments we had with them and keep their memory alive.

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The Valley

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.

I will fear no evil, I will fear no evil, I will fear no evil.

Promising myself that I will put my trust in God no matter how it looks.

I can’t be worried about whose for me or against me.

Giving it all to God and allowing him to work it out in spite of the obstacles that may stand in my way.

This is my season, what the enemy is plotting against me will not prosper.

I will fear no evil, I will fear no evil, I will fear no evil.

2018

Sitting at my kitchen table on this last day of 2018 wondering how did I make it and why am I still here. This year has presented more defeats than victories and these outcomes have had a toll on my life physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I found myself disconnecting from people and things. No one understood what I was going through because in their eyes I had no worries. There were days when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed but my concern for others and their health put my problems on the back burner. So many days I begged the Lord to take me, but each morning my eyes opened. I felt as though there was someone inside of me begging to come out; screaming obscenities at those who took me for granted. I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, I needed help. I finally made it to the month of June, a week away would do me fine. My vacation was well deserved to my mind, body, and soul but I let somethings bother me that I should have brushed off and let go. Now I’m here, December 31 and I’m reflecting on a year that brought me one week of happiness. The question that I have asked myself on this last day of 2018 is do I expect anything different in 2019. That is the question that has bothered me all day. I have come to the conclusion that no one owes me anything, I owe myself. I owe it to myself to not be taken for granted, I owe it to myself to not be mistreated, I owe it to myself to expect more out of people if they want more from me, I owe it to myself to live everyday like it’s my last because tomorrow is not promised. My biggest mistake in 2018 was trying to carry the load instead of giving it to God. Here’s to 2019 may God order my steps.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me! And God granted him that which he requested.


1 Chronicles 4:10

tears

She had cried so many tears on yesterday and couldn’t make them stop. She screamed, hit walls, and cursed her birth but nothing she did or said could take away the pain.

She was tired of the pain, it existed everyday. When she closed her eyes at night and opened them in the morning it was there, no escaping the hell she lived in on earth.

She couldn’t be comforted.

She prayed “Lord why me, why do I go through this daily? When will you bless me with a place to live, a car, and enough money to pay my bills?” Selfish enough this was her prayer that she prayed everyday and ended it with “thanks in advance.”

She just wanted something to claim as her own.

She felt like a stepchild to the Lord, she hadn’t committed a sin of murder, robbery, adultery, but saw how others who did these things were blessed.

She wondered where was her blessing.

She could only think of the five and how they had made her life a living hell. They didn’t know her pain for their lives were filled with joy.

She had to forget about yesterday.

She was finally able to get out of bed and take a shower, her place of comfort. This is where she washed away the grime of hate, and deceit.

She would wipe away the tears and pretend none of it mattered, submerging the pain for another day.

dELIVERANCE

God was not delivering her fast enough, she needed a breakthrough immediately before she went through with it.

She would take those pills and end her life because death seemed like her only way out.

Tired of taking care of others

Tired of living for others

She could only imagine what would be said when they found the pills beside her body.

We didn’t know she was depressed

We didn’t know she needed help

They came around her everyday and didn’t know that day in and day out she struggled with life.

Opening the bottle she lined up the pills and contemplated how many it would take to do the job. As she gathered them in her hand she heard a knock on the door.

“Who is it,” she asked?

He answered, “DELIVERANCE.”

time

The thought of getting out of bed made her ill, knowing the day would be full of defeat she refused to get up.

She watched the clock as if it was her enemy, ticking and tocking. Why would anyone want to keep up with time, it offered nothing only took things away.

Time had taken away her loved ones, and she hated time for that.

As she thought of them her head began to pound and she began to shake uncontrollably.

Her grandfather, her daddy, her best friend were just a few that time had snatched up.

She wanted to die, she wanted to join them, but it wasn’t her time.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Ecclesiastes 3:18

Lord help me!

Everyday I ask the Lord to help me!

Help me to love my enemies…..

Some folks think they have it altogether but I am here to tell you that they don’t. Can’t open their mouths to speak to people but over-love God who they’ve never met. They want to be forgiven but refuse to forgive. The sad thing is they don’t see anything wrong with their actions, they going to glory anyhow. Let me tell you not only is heaven a prepared place but so is hell. Preachers loving their flock but not their family. I called that practicing but not applying. Further more the scripture did warn us of wolves in sheep clothing. Sometimes we are tempted to treat them how they treat us but let me remind you of Luke 6:28 “Bless them that curse you, and pray for them that despitefully use you.” I guess I can’t be shocked because Judas did break bread with Jesus and betrayed him at the end.

I can’t hear you!

People who couldn’t lend you a dollar when you were broke are now asking can they borrow five.

I can’t hear you!

People who couldn’t give you a ride down the street are now asking can they borrow your car.

I can’t hear you!

People who couldn’t give you a piece of bread are now asking can you fix them a meal.

I can’t hear you!

People who wouldn’t tell you if their job was hiring are now asking you for a reference.

I can’t hear you!

People are something else and no matter how many times they have rejected you they get upset when you reject them. It’s time to tune out those that don’t have your best interest at heart and live your best life.

Stop Pretending

We pretend to be happy because pretending hides the pain and hurt that we suppress day in and day out.

We have been labeled the strong ones and no one must know we have hit our breaking point.

Tired of listening to their problems and complaints when we are having issues of our own.

Does our face scream therapist? Of course it does that’s why people bring their problems to us and leave it there.

We then wish them the best while we continue to battle the worse.

Pretenders pretending is what we are.

We have spent years pretending that it was okay to be last instead of first.

We have spent years wanting better for ourselves but settling for less, we have spent years letting people walk on us when we should have walked away, we have spent years catering to folks who we should have cut off a long time ago.

WE HAVE SPENT YEARS! Wasted years, unwanted years, enslaved years. Each year we say things will change but we let them remain the same.

It’s time to stop pretending to be okay when we’re not, and take ownership of our lives.

Purgatory

I saw you last night and couldn’t believe my eyes. The last conversation we shared still replays vividly in my mind.

There’s no heaven!

There’s no hell!

I am an Atheist!

The man who once told me that he was a atheist was now saying God exist.

He wanted to leave but couldn’t, he wanted to know why his friends had stopped calling, he wanted me to go tell them that Jesus was real.

I felt ashamed!

I felt anger!

I felt sorrow!

Maybe I should have kept telling him about Jesus when he was alive.

Maybe I should have not given up on him when he told me that he didn’t want to hear it.

Maybe

maybe

maybe

These three words keep replaying in my head. I can’t change his past, present, or future he is now gone waiting in purgatory.